Why Am I Here?

So what’s my purpose? Why did I decide to add blogging to my agenda? I’ve been thinking about it for a year. Maybe two? Quite frankly, for me to think about anything and not act immediately is so extremely out of character, that when it does happen, I feel as if there has to be something to it – some reason or purpose.

We’re a mental health family. The statistic is that 1 in 4 have some kind of mental health diagnosis – well, so far 3 out of our family of 5 do. (I say “so far” because my youngest is just a little too young to diagnose.)

We are an ADHD family. We fight anxiety- all displayed in different ways. At least 2 of us fight depression as well. Better throw self harm in there too.

Mental health awareness, ADHD advocacy, Teen Suicide Awareness – these are some of my soapboxes.

I believe that I have information, thoughts, opinions and actual facts to share.

I knew what to do when we found out one of the kids was a cutter. Does every parent? Suicide is the 2nd highest cause of death for teenagers in Iowa. That is scary – and I believe preventable.

Maybe this blog won’t ever have more than a handful of readers. But maybe I can make a difference.

I did it!

I love to shop. I used to go shopping once or twice a month – easily charging $500-$1000.

However, for at least 2 years, the anxiety is too much. Lights, noise, people – I’ve been lucky to stay in the mall an hour without leaving in a hot mess, digging for my Klonopin.

But today…had to get tennis shoes for my oldest. Over 4 hours, we shopped. I’m sooooo proud of myself. Progress. Baby steps.

Panic.

Panic panic. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Scurry hurry. Gotta get it done.

Get what done? Sure I could rattle off a to-do list but none of it is life pressing.

But I’ve been a panicked shaking mess for weeks. For what purpose? Stress. Yes, I know that.

I do have legitimate work I will be paid for. When I complete it. But I’m struggling to focus too. Can’t sit for more than an hour, than I need to get up, escape, find a chore or laundry to fold.

I was diagnosed ADHD over a year ago. I have no clue if these meds work as they should. The panic and the depression are so strong that my time periods of focused work are short, few, and far between.

Headlines that Make me Happy!

I just ran across this in my email, and shame on me for not posting it sooner.

Teen Suicide Prevention is one of my soapboxes. I don’t think we do enough – as parents of our kids, parents of our kid’s friends, the school system, State Law – both around Mental Health and Education – but anyway, let’s not get going on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Because this post is titled “Headlines that Make me Happy!” And there is legislation in the government to mandate topics for discussion.

article from Des Moines, adding Suicide Prevention to Health class

Is that the perfect answer? No. And I’m not stupid. A lot of that discussion is going to depend on the teacher. Some teachers will take their required 50 minutes or 120 minutes or whatever (if the bill passes), and do amazing good things with their kids. But it’s a start. It’s progress.

Progress means we aren’t stuck. And that’s a very good reason for this headline to make me happy!

Head down. Move forward.

Do you know how many times I’ve said this to people?

Do you know how hard it is to take your own advice?

And crying again. 2.22.19

When your depression has you so low, and you basically hate yourself. Everything makes you cry. Or super defensive.

I need a job – badly. (Lost my job end of November and I’m the money maker). So I found a job, not in my career, about half the pay we need, but it’s a job, someone that’ll hire me, and for the last 3 months, I’ve just had phone interview after phone interview.

I will like this job, it’ll make me happy – and that’s important to me. ADHD and all that – if I’m not happy and challenged, I can’t stick with it.

But it isn’t good enough for husband. Nothing is good enough for him. Any pay is better than $0. But he’s never happy.

And so. I’m crying again. Failure. Loser. Worthless. When will I actually grow up?

Who Am I?

  • almost 40
  • 3 kids – 19, 13, and 4-1/2
  • married
  • born & raised in the MidWest – and I LOVE IT!
  • oldest of 4
  • Type A personality – and surprise! I’m an accountant!
  • sarcastic to a fault and use the f-word like a comma
  • love to organize, read and garden
  • diagnosed with depression for the first time probably 20 years ago
  • added anxiety around 2013 or 2014 – upgraded that to Extreme Social Anxiety Disorder Summer 2017
  • Diagnosed with ADHD Fall 2017 – after 2 of my 3 kiddos were diagnosed and my husband told me I had to get tested