Why Am I Here?

So what’s my purpose? Why did I decide to add blogging to my agenda? I’ve been thinking about it for a year. Maybe two? Quite frankly, for me to think about anything and not act immediately is so extremely out of character, that when it does happen, I feel as if there has to be something to it – some reason or purpose.

We’re a mental health family. The statistic is that 1 in 4 have some kind of mental health diagnosis – well, so far 3 out of our family of 5 do. (I say “so far” because my youngest is just a little too young to diagnose.)

We are an ADHD family. We fight anxiety- all displayed in different ways. At least 2 of us fight depression as well. Better throw self harm in there too.

Mental health awareness, ADHD advocacy, Teen Suicide Awareness – these are some of my soapboxes.

I believe that I have information, thoughts, opinions and actual facts to share.

I knew what to do when we found out one of the kids was a cutter. Does every parent? Suicide is the 2nd highest cause of death for teenagers in Iowa. That is scary – and I believe preventable.

Maybe this blog won’t ever have more than a handful of readers. But maybe I can make a difference.

Who’d have thought?

So I’m a self-proclaimed hermit on weekends. My happy Saturday and Sunday are not ever having to leave my house.

So who would’ve thought that after only 10 days of being at home because I have to be — I’d be ready to leave the house for anything. I’m off to Fareway tonight — I have to pick up chocolate cupcakes I ordered from a co-worker’s fundraiser a few weeks. I’ve taken a shower, done my hair, done my makeup and I am ready to go!

Crazy, crazy, crazy. This whole world is crazy.

Crippled by my Brain

Depression sucks. Anxiety sucks. ADHD sucks.

My mind, my brain, my intelligence is one of my biggest strengths and then it turns around and cripples me and I spend days not being able to move forward. I don’t leave my house. I cancel appointments. I procrastinate the tasks that NEED to be done (bookwork for my consulting practice) and work on mindless projects (like sorting 10 gallons of legos).

And it’s a vicious cycle-because I feel like a failure. I can’t finish anything. I’m 40 years old – shouldn’t I be a “grown up” by now?

“Head down, move forward.” But I’m stuck. My fabulous imagination pictures a turtle stuck in the mud.

Why? Why? Why?

I question everything. I don’t want to know “why did God make me this way?” I am who I am. But I want to know how it works. Why it works like I does. I need solutions and I can’t find solutions without knowing why.

why can’t I get my butt out of bed on time? My kids are the same. Meds or no meds-no difference.

Why do hormones make everything 10 times worse? The anxiety about EVERYTHING. The depression-sad, sad thoughts. Negative, suicidal thought. The paranoia-everyone is looking at me and thinks I’m stupid. And then not being able to get that one single moment in time out of my head for days.

Why can’t I shut my mouth? I had never heard the term “blurting” before working with Tyler’s doctor. But that nails it. My brain says “just listen”, my mouth does not seem connected to my brain.

I’m frustrated. I’ll be 40 this week. Shouldn’t I be a grown up now? Shouldn’t I be focused on helping my children find ways to manage their symptoms instead of still struggling to handle my own?

ADHD Awareness

October is ADHD Awareness month. We are so lucky be in a school district that cares about my kids. My heart breaks for those who aren’t.

My goal in October is to plaster my Facebook profile with info and love. We are who we are. And we’re strong and smart and yeah, just a little different.

Yuck Monday

Monday morning’s parenting style – because apparently I had children so I could argue with them every day of the freakin school year – now listen you little jerks, I don’t want to be out of bed either, but that does not change the fact that the bus is coming and you. must. Be. On. It.

So get your ass out of bed, get your teeth brushed and clothes on so you can leave and I can drink my coffee in peace.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll try to be loving and patient. Or maybe not. 🤷‍♀️

Back in School

So I’ve been in MIA for awhile. Life happens, right?

But we are back in school now. And that adds more to the daily struggle of life.

My oldest boy is thriving-meds are good, he’s playing football(8th grade), a good group of friends, grades are excellent. But he’s still an ADHD kid-we have to tell him to stop what he’s doing and eat, we argue-but maybe no more than a normal teenage boy? My battle here is my husband – who to me, doesn’t appear to even attempt to understand the ADHD brain. Very very frustrating and arguments that him and I have been having for 5+ years.

The true challenge this school year will be the Kindergartener. He’s a nightmare at home-worse than his older brother. Tantrums, not listening, running, hitting. So far, so good at school. That’s normal, right? Kids always behave better away from their parents. The homework battle last night lasted an hour. It was ridiculous. All the kid had to do was sing the “Red song” and the “Blue song” for us. So frustrating for me-kid! Oh my goodness, just do it. It’s so early in his school career that I have not found what works, or even what will help. 😔

May is…

May is lots of things but it’s also Mental Health Awareness month.

Do you know where your kids are at emotionally? Regardless of what legislation passes in what state, Mental Health is ongoing, and it takes a village. It takes awareness and constant vigilance.

There’s so much I have to say on this topic. I feel so strongly on education for parents. What do you do if your teen is suicidal? Do you know who to call?

I’m lucky-I know my resources and I’ve advocated for my kids. I’ve advocated for my kids friends.

But so many parents are unaware – and that’s a dangerous place. Loneliness, helplessness, so many triggers in today’s schools. Talk to your kids.

The battle of ADHD vs Anxiety

I’m a hot panicked mess today.

I start orientation in 2 hours. I could, and SHOULD burn it off in my flower beds.

But I meet with a client tomorrow and I’ve procrastinated some of her stuff soooo much that I need to work.

I tried setting up my laptop outside but my flowers are too distracting.

So I will move inside and in the long run, accomplish nothing-restarting my vicious guilt trip and subsequent meltdown.

The Road I’m Supposed to Travel?

I hate money.

I lost my job right after Thanksgiving. Second time in 2 years to be job searching and it sucks. I have a fabulous resume but I’m an accountant. I can be a people person but I just plain suck at interviews. I’ve had 1-2 phone interviews a week for 4 months now-but no job.

Unemployment has run out and we are officially broke.

And therefore, I will start waiting tables again. Orientation starts tomorrow. 😬😞🤷‍♀️💵

I promised myself back in 2002 that I wouldn’t support my family by waitressing. But this isn’t permanent. I hope.

So let’s look at the positives.

  1. It’s a job. Cash.
  2. I will be forced to leave my house. And I need that-cause I’m isolating.
  3. I’ll get to talk to grownups. 😊
  4. I was hired for days-which means daycare is easier for 1 kid and I won’t miss too many track meets and baseball games for another kid.