I question everything. I don’t want to know “why did God make me this way?” I am who I am. But I want to know how it works. Why it works like I does. I need solutions and I can’t find solutions without knowing why.

why can’t I get my butt out of bed on time? My kids are the same. Meds or no meds-no difference.

Why do hormones make everything 10 times worse? The anxiety about EVERYTHING. The depression-sad, sad thoughts. Negative, suicidal thought. The paranoia-everyone is looking at me and thinks I’m stupid. And then not being able to get that one single moment in time out of my head for days.

Why can’t I shut my mouth? I had never heard the term “blurting” before working with Tyler’s doctor. But that nails it. My brain says “just listen”, my mouth does not seem connected to my brain.

I’m frustrated. I’ll be 40 this week. Shouldn’t I be a grown up now? Shouldn’t I be focused on helping my children find ways to manage their symptoms instead of still struggling to handle my own?